HIGH drama in other people’s lives is the best kind of drama, and nothing could be more delectable than to see these terrible, life-ruining, incredibly entertaining events in the flesh.
DOCTOR Who is too woke, and needs to return to its roots of an old white man visiting inferior cultures and sneering at them. Who should take the role?
WAKING with a hangover that has caused my urine to turn violet, I reflect on an event I hosted this week in which delegates of the Church met leading humanists and atheists to find common ground.
THE worst part of the Chagos Islands deal is that Starmer could have gone to war over them and secured a second term, it has emerged.
KNEECAP’S performance at Glastonbury will be so middle-class it could be mistaken for a John Lewis sale, organisers have warned.
NOBODY knows whether saying ‘you look well’ means the recipient is very attractive or a bit chubby, it has emerged.
WHAT is it with this sudden invasion of Vietnamese restaurants opening over here? Unheard of 20 years ago, now you can't bloody move for the things.
Politics
A MAN sitting at home alone watching news of a UK-EU deal has said ‘they’ve betrayed my Brexit’ almost too quietly and sadly to be heard.
LABOUR has this morning announced new curbs on immigration, but are they racist enough? What would be? We ask registered bigot Norman Steele, aged 73.
OVERSEAS workers hoping to enter Britain will be fast-tracked if they can prove they watched and understood Adolescence, the government has confirmed.
THIS trade deal with India, soon to be the world’s third largest economy, is a historic accord which what do you mean they’re at war?
Society
THE GCSE examinations are taking place, and around Britain tens of thousands are doing everything possible not to revise for them. What’s your avoidance strategy?
A COPY of Magna Carta has turned out to be a genuine duplicate from 1300. But all the media interest won’t stop patriotic Brits believing strange things about it. Things like this…
EVER noticed that when a pal is accused of something egregious or illegal, they’re entirely blameless? On these seven occasions you’re always hearing a misunderstood hero.
AN obnoxiously loud businessman is managing to get a remarkably strong signal connection on a train journey, fellow passengers have confirmed.
Lifestyle
A MAN has decided the best way to clean his shower is to wash himself in it.
IS YOUR stag or hen do almost affordable? Has the sheer expense not caused you to lose a single friend? You’re doing it wrong. Here’s how to boost the cost.
SUNSHINE means bared flesh and the exposure of bad inking decisions usually mercifully hidden by clothing. These tattoos are both generic and regrettable.
BILL Gates is giving away 99 per cent of his $200 billion fortune over the next 20 years, but how are you going to claim your share?
THE male loneliness epidemic has been traced back to an accidental release of nerdy merchandise from Forbidden Planet, research has found.
WILD beavers released into Britain are lazing around on riverbanks posing for social media photos rather than building dams.
Sport
BOOING our own player? Who’s just won the league? Of course we did. And anyone who criticises that doesn’t understand he’s made all Liverpool fans look right dicks.
A 63-YEAR-OLD man has explained to his grandchildren that once, Liverpool were just as successful and twatty about it as Manchester City are today.
COMPETITORS in the London Marathon are running into an actual, physical wall and attempting to grittily push through it.
FOOTBALL fans from chic, sophisticated Paris are currently in Birmingham due to a foul quirk of the Champions League.
GARETH Southgate believes all young people should miss a crucial penalty at a major football championship as a learning experience.
NEW England manager Thomas Tuchel has chosen the same tired old players who lost the last two Euros finals. Who should he have picked instead?
Science & Technology
A SIMPLE monosyllabic text from a father has left his family scratching their heads. Can you make sense of it?
THE matriarch of a xenomorph hive is to join Katy Perry on today’s all-female space launch, it has been confirmed.
A UK-based bellend is frustrated he cannot advertise his credentials as his area’s leading arsehole by driving a Tesla Cybertruck.
TEENAGERS have asserted there is no way anyone could ban their phones or social media because they have no idea.
Arts & Entertainment
IT isn’t all about the music, man. These bands had looks, charisma, fashion and tunes in that order and remain loved anyway.
EUROVISION is a byword for shite, and Britain’s entry is frequently the shittest. Here, in reverse order of awfulness, are our worst acts.
OASIS have reassured fans there will be nothing new or unfamiliar on a brand new album of all unoriginal material.
WORK on chord progressions, lay down a backing track, or shag on the label’s tab? If these bandmates had spent less time banging they could have written more banging tunes.
THE US movie industry, which churns out endless films about America and American values being the greatest, is to be killed for not being American enough.
Business
UNACCOUNTABLY, it appears acting the twat in front of the whole world can damage perceptions of you. No matter. This is my genius plan to turn that around.
THE UK is re-examining its long-held belief that allowing foreign billionaires to control every aspect of its daily life is a simply brilliant idea.
Work
BRITONS are thinking about what they would be doing in the sun if they were not basically historical slaves but with computers.
LINKEDIN has confirmed those searching your name on the professional networking site are not doing so to see your recent work activities but for rampant, gleeful self-abuse.
GETTING a group of co-workers to mesh can be a challenge, but you don’t need to waste money on wanky team-building events. Simply appeal to their basest instincts, like this...
AN office worker is struggling to remember how to look busy while accomplishing nothing after four days of total leisure.
‘YOU’RE fired’ is so harsh and Trumpian. A caring workplace focused on your wellbeing will use these euphemisms to soften the blow.
A WOMAN given a new role and job title is unsure whether she is being recognised for her outstanding work or treated like a prize twat.
Alcohol
KEIR Starmer is allowing pubs to stay open two hours later tonight to celebrate VE Day. Here’s how to show your respect for those who experienced the war by drinking more.
A MAN has looked at the power cut across Spain, considered his options, and decided that in similar circumstances in the UK he would get pissed.
MOCKED as the alcoholic beverages of choice for builders and bus-stop pissheads, these drinks are ripe for gentrification in Shoreditch pop-up bars.
EASTER is less popular with Brits than Christmas or other bank holidays because it’s not a licence to get totally shitfaced. Here’s how to liven it up with games involving alcohol abuse.
REGULARS at a pub quiz have confirmed it is a battle arena at which they release their repressed masculinity via knowledge of trivia.
